Diapers and Horrors of Horrors
March 27th, 2007(Yes, this may be too much information for some people, but there’s a point to it beyond discussing my toileting!)
Recently, I’ve started to use an incontinence product to help me with a problem common enough that every community drug store has a wide selection of products dealing with exactly this issue. What I’ve found is that it is much less stressful now that I know if things don’t go exactly right, I won’t be dealing with a major mess to clean up – nor will my clothes stink or be wet. In other words, it’s a very practical solution for a problem, and I’m glad I’m using these products now. I’ve got one less stress in my life now.
But it took quite an effort the first time I purchased them. That’s despite having, on average, several minor accidents a week that necessitated changing at least underware. You see, being “normal” is more important than actually solving disability issues, at least in my mind sometimes. I suspect it’s not just my mind, either – I suspect I learned this attitude from somewhere. We’re taught that it’s bad to not be able to handle bladder and bowel control perfectly, something we don’t discuss in public, and something that must be hid at all cost. So having incontinence product in my shopping cart makes a public statement that I don’t care what society thinks, I’m going to take care of my needs. Once again, however, I do care what society thinks. I think a lot of disabled people do, even when society’s attitude is, well, stupid.
I’ve seen the same problem with other things, like speech devices. I’ve seen autistics who know they would benefit from using alternative communication techniques some of the time refuse to do so because of how they think society will perceive them. So, instead of being able to communicate their needs, they go through the day with unmet needs and unvoiced concern. I’ve seen others that would benefit from some sort of wheelchair refuse it because it is proof that you aren’t “independent”, whatever that means. So, they rarely leave the house and when they do leave, they are in terror of falling or not being able to make it back home because of their energy level. So, ironically, they become less independent because of the value society places on independence. That’s the danger of the views of society today.
We (society) are imprisoning people. We’re preventing them from communicating, leaving the home, working, or otherwise participating in society – because we’ve taught that the look of independence is far more important than actually having the assistance you need to participate in life.
It’s a hard problem to overcome when internalized. I still have some nagging fears when I grab incontinence products off the shelves of the local drug store. I think, “What if someone notices this?” Obviously, as a disability rights type of person, I know that whether or not an adult wears diapers should not matter if their needs are getting met. Other times, I have fear of using my communication device in some situations (especially when people know I can talk), even though that’s the only way I’ll have of expressing myself in that situation.
It’s hard to live a life where even basic, every-day things are a form of insurrection and protest. Every time I counter my fear, I’m confronting society on it’s prejudices (some of which have become my prejudices). When I don’t stain my clothes because of toilet problems, that’s a protest. I’ve somehow fought and won against the attitude that wearing an incontinence product is worse than death (seriously, the number of people who think lack of bowel control is a good reason to want to die is, well, scary). I’ve somehow fought and won against the idea that speech is the only valid form of linguistic communication when I use a communication device to express myself. Fighting these kind of fights – just to walk down the street or tell someone something about yourself – is hard. And I understand why some (including myself sometimes) choose not to fight these battles, even though the consequences of not fighting them are worse than the consequences of fighting them.
Some of us aren’t born freedom fighters or rebels. Some of us just want to live life without being noticed outside of those times when we decide we want to be noticed. It’s one thing for me to be noticed while addressing my city council on whether or not we should continue to collect garbage the way we do (frankly I don’t care about that issue, but that’s an example). I can handle that, because I can prepare for it. I can’t prepare for the attention I’ll get just for telling someone what time it is.
The good news is that the more people fight these battles, the less each of us has to fight. You do see commercials for adult diapers on TV these days – that’s a sign that things are getting better. You’re seeing people with disabilities in the community more and more, even when they are obviously different than most people. That’s a sign that things are getting better. But there’s still a lot of work to do.
I really encourage people to fight these internalized prejudices if they are in need of assistance or technology of some type. Yes, it’s hard. It’s scary. But it does make a difference – even if not for me or someone else, it will make a difference for you.
It puts me in mind of the hearing impaired community who actively choose sign language over hearing aids. A reversal, where they take a positive stance despite what ‘the rest of society’ thinks.
Best wishes
By the way (this is somewhat off-topic), whatever sinus problem you were having might be contagious. Laura now has a bug that strongly resembles what you were experiencing. (And, to get back on topic, because of being worn out from being sick she needed assistance in the bathroom from me today, which I really am having lots of difficulty figuring out why it’s also considered an enormously giant ‘burden’ on the person providing the assistance. Just as I have trouble figuring out why adult diapers are supposed to be evil. It’s like we as a society have some bizarre mystique around shitting in particular ways.)
I just peed down my pant leg not long ago. I know if I can wipe it up and lysol it, it won’t smell. Still, it would be nice to go to work without wearing pee, even if I can’t smell it or I smell like alcohol/chlorine and flowers now instead of ammonia and urea.
The nice thing about diapers is that they are fairly tucked away and no one’s going to ask. People most of the time just take notice, gossip but in general, leave others alone about it.
I supposedly made a stand today when I talked to my manager today about asking for accomodations for my sleep apnea. No, I won’t get my job back this moment but I at least made my statement.
This reminds me of my labour 4 months ago. The sanitary worker preparing me for the delivery room told me to go to the toilet but I couldn’t reach it in time and made a mess on the floor. I tried to tell her I couldn’t cope, but she just shouted, “Don’t explain, control yourself!”
I wonder, why was she so angry? If such things happen rarely, she could tolerate them, and if they happen often, she could offer something to the women to put under themselves, instead of sending them to the toilet. And why am I still thinking of somebody who has been mean to me?
A day later, I heard of a woman who made a mess after receiving anaesthesia for Caesarean section (and of course losing any means to control herself) – she was laughed at by the doctors.
I could not function without diapers I work every day just like anybody else but I have little bladder control. I wear cloth at night and disposables at work. I spent a lot of time hideing that fact but finnale hideing was more trouble than just dealing with a bladder problem I gave up the shame and just except the fact thatr diapers are and always will be a part of my life I DON’T go out of my way to hide the fact I wear diapers I foud out my friends and most other people don’t care.
You said:
“We (society) are imprisoning people.”
True, but that is just one side of the problem. Many times people are imprisoning themselves.
I let the above post through moderation because I think the point is valid, even though it is clearly advertising as well.
Re, mcewen’s comment:
Yes; just wanted to mention a couple of things for the sake of general accuracy:
1. hearing aids and sign language are not an “either or” choice — I use both, and plenty of other deaf people do too. I think perhaps you meant sign language versus speaking, though even that is not necessarily a polarized either/or choice: I use speaking in many contexts, but sign language in others
2. I think most Deaf people who choose to sign as their primary mode of communication prefer the word “Deaf” to define themselves. “hearing impaired” is the kind of term I expect to see mostly from people who don’t associate themselves with the culturally Deaf community. Or from hearing people who mistakenly think that “hearing impaired” is somehow supposed to be a more “PC” or “kinder” term or some such thing. (But many culturally Deaf people, including me, don’t like it.)
But the overall analogy I think does hold. People often assume that a Deaf person should automatically make speaking and lipreading their cardinal goal if they have any possibility of reaching it. And I won’t deny that these are convenient skills to have–or at least I’ve found it convenient to have them. But even for Deaf people who do them reasonably well, it may still consume a lot of physical and mental energy (like performing calculus to understand that the other person is saying “hi” to you … assuming you find calculus something you struggle to do). And it may also be less reliable than other means of communication. So I think most Deaf people who choose to sign or write or gesture etc rather than speaking — and who choose to ask people to write things down, or provide interpreters etc. rather than struggling to lipread them — are making a very positive choice for their daily functioning. But not all hearing people see it that way.
I think a lot of the stigma attached to adults wearing diapers comes from the rigid and inaccurate notion that diapers are for babies. When I first started wearing diapers several years ago (I have cerebral palsy and use a wheelchair) my caseworker at the local home health agency fought me tooth and nail, trying to force me into using various (and far more inconvenient) alternatives. When I protested, she angrily responded, “Babies wear diapers! Adults DON’T!” In other words, if you’re an adult, you have to maintain the *appearance* of continence, even if you aren’t.
The post mentions adult diaper commercials–I find it curious that in these ads, you’ll never hear the word “diaper”–they’re “briefs” or “disposable underwear.” Instead of eliminating the “diapers are for babies” stigma, euphemisms like the above only reinforce it, and make the people using them feel as though it’s something to be ashamed of.
I wet my bed for many years after the age most kids outgrow that – it stopped around puberty, I think. I didn’t wet my bed every night, but if I forgot to go to the bathroom before bed. My mom tried to get me to wear Goodnights, a brand of diapers marketed to bedwetters, but I refused to wear them. Part of it was sensory (I never wear pads either) but there was also the idea that wearing diapers meant I was a baby.