Overreacting to the “Little Things”
June 27th, 2007The problem with prejudices held by the majority of society is that they aren’t seen as prejudices, but rather just as the way things are. They aren’t intended to punish or be evil towards a minority. They aren’t held by bad people.
Unfortunately, even things done with an absence of malicious intent can have evil consequences. In fact, they can be done by the same people who do good things.
I’ve found, time and again, pointing out a “little thing” that someone is doing that is discriminatory or evidence of prejudice will almost always result in a very angry and defensive person. They won’t say, “Oh, I didn’t realize that” and then cleanse themselves from some minor point of prejudice. No, instead they’ll tell how they have gay friends, how much advocacy work they do for women’s rights, or how, basically, they are good people – not like Hitler in any way, after all.
Even worse, they’ll turn it back to the victim. The person who pointed out the prejudice is the evil one, he’s the one that is stirring up trouble, preventing people from working together, drawing divides, being the “thought police”, or whatever else. It’s his fault.
After all, it wasn’t a big deal, it isn’t the main fight, and it isn’t worth dividing people over. Often times, the debate is over language, in which case, “It’s just words” or “you missed the main point” will be brought up – as if having a point dismisses any prejudice you expressed while bringing up that point.
Discrimination is wrong. Prejudice is wrong. Even when good people are doing it. Even when it’s a “small” thing. And it is NOT overreacting to take it seriously.
You see, most of the prejudice autistic people face isn’t the “big stuff”. It isn’t the fact that we are murdered, beaten, and sexually abused. Yes, that’s a problem. Yes, that indicates prejudice and discrimination. But the little things are where the true problems are. With the “big” things, it’s easier – even for the victim – to see that they were hurt by another. With the small things, the hurt is just as real – especially when thousands of them add up into a big thing – but it is combined with self-doubt and the additional abuse of telling the person “Hey, you’re being a baby.”
So, yes, being called an “autistic person” (instead of a “person with autism”) is a big deal to me. Will I make a big deal out of it every time someone calls me, instead, a “person with autism?” Of course not. But if I do make a big deal out of something “so small”, wouldn’t it make sense to simply change your language and refer to me as I want? When I see people tell me that I’m “overreacting” to something “trivial”, but then I see them continue to do the same thing they were doing that caused my complaint in the first place, it indicates to me, “Actually, no, this isn’t a minor thing. It’s big enough that I’m unwilling to change. But I’m going to trivialize your complaint by calling it trivial. But if it was truly trivial, I of course wouldn’t care if it changes. But I do.”
That’s the problem. If I ask someone to do something and they consider it trivial, I expect them to do it. It’s no big deal after all. I do a lot of that throughout my day – I might ask the “sandwich artist” at Subway to go easy on the oil and vinegar. I might hold the door open for a lady carrying a lot of stuff when I am at an apartment building and she asks, “Would you mind holding the door?” These aren’t big deals. They are trivial. I don’t see the requests as a power issue or a place where one person is trying to exert dominance over another person.
When I complain about discrimination, even “small” things, this isn’t trivial. It’s very important. And, often, underlying prejudice comes out – does the other person see me as a person worthy of respect, worthy of tiny modifications in their routine? Or is it important to maintain power – to be able to make the racist joke, to be able to call the waitress “dear” or “honey”, or to make every employee do things exactly the same? You see – that’s the problem. Sure, we might end the major abuses. But life for minorities doesn’t suddenly become rosy just because slavery is eliminated or sexual abuse is prosecuted. There’s still people with power trying to keep that power from those under them. Sure, they aren’t doing this consciously. And the majority groups in society have been doing it so long, they don’t see it as a power struggle. They see holding this power, though the “little things”, as their right. Just as they have the right to breathe air and seek medical treatment, they have the right to say these “little things.”
And don’t anyone tell them any different. You’re the thought police if you try.
These are, after all, little things. No big deal. Unless you want someone to do it differently…
Don’t think about who defines what is “little” and what is “overreacting”. It is usually not the minority though.
This is one of those issues which, unfortunately, steps on toes. Try it – let me know how it turns out. Next time you hear someone use a diminutive word to get the attention of a waitress in a restaurant, ask them if they knew they were showing prejudice or discrimination. I’ll bet it’s not pretty when you do. But if the person you’re with says, “Oh, you’re right, I wasn’t even thinking,” then there may be hope for humanity after all.
I recently complained to a children’s product manufacturer that I was concerned because their toy, meant for both genders, contained almost entirely male characters. They addressed my complaint by saying that was not the intent of the toy was to promote equality and children playing with it should try not focus on gender. Sigh!
BTW, I have changed the language I use to speak about and to my autistic son since reading autistic bloggers. Thank you for the education.
” But it is combined with self-doubt and the additional abuse of telling the person ‘Hey, you’re being a baby.’”
Exactly. This is what people just don’t get. Saying that someone “can’t take a joke”, “is overly sensitive” or “politically correct” are just a few more ways of asserting the presumed right of the majority to enforce the status quo.
Sure everyone slips up and puts a foot in his/her mouth from time to time. I do it quite often. It’s the response when this is pointed out that shows the true colors of the speaker.
I was recently confronted by a family member who disapproves of my being publically identified as autistic. This is embarrassing to her, I am told.
You want to know what this person said to me?–
“You just don’t seem to care about my feelings at all!” For the record, I did not apologize.
I worked in a factory for awhile, where the management referred to the workers as “girls”. They could not believe how much time was “wasted” on this “little thing” during contract negotiations. I wrote a letter to complain to them about it, and my Union rep(a woman who had been there some 20+years) warned me not to make waves. We really needed a raise. They never did understand. At least my (now) husband, who worked there too, got the point eventually.
There is something to be said for civility in conversations , listening to others without judgeing and making I statements… “I feel this way when you say blank blank blank.
When conversations break down its best to give all a chance to step back and leave the topic alone for awhile and then resume talks..
People do come from different perspectiives wheter we like it or not..
Rome wasn’t built in a day…
Some are more open to suggestions while others snap shut quick and defend their stances to death.
The art of persuasion , think about it…
The denial, resistance to new ideas,,,
Maybe it is in the delivery sometimes and not the idea itself.
Very good post.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this issue. You’ve managed to put many of my thoughts into words.
Joel wrote: “I’ve found, time and again, pointing out a “little thing” that someone is doing that is discriminatory or evidence of prejudice will almost always result in a very angry and defensive person.”
Recently I found myself being told by an acquaintance about how her husband had made a “little mistake” (he participated in sexist joke-telling in the work place, where he was a supervisor) and was being (unfairly) punished as a “sexual harasser.” I commiserated to a degree, since I know of other cases where men have done something thoughtless or stupid and been punished as if they’d done something really venal. But then she went on to declare that it was all part of the terrible discrimination against white males. Not that her husband made a mistake and was being punished with undue severity, but that “they” were discriminating against him because of his ethnicity/gender. Seems like part of the common defensive reaction is to blame “the other” for the kind of internalized prejudice most of us continue to harbor somewhere deep inside.
Made me very uncomfortable.
It’s mainly because people like to think of themselves as being “good people”. (See Amanda’s most recent post.)
If you tell them that they’re doing something that offends you, then in their emotional receptors they hear that they’re “bad people”. This immediately becomes “no I’m not bad, you are bad for complaining because I’m not doing anything wrong” etc.
I’ve done it myself, and I’ve had it done to me.
I think part of it is also the society we live in, where everyone feels a sense of entitlement – often where none should even exist.
Let me first say that I agree with almost everything in this post.
There ist just one thing that I can not agree with / understand.
In my opinion “person with autism” is more offensive than “autistic person”. Hey, I am autistic, it is nothing that can be seperated from me (as the ‘with’ implies in my opinion). I am also right handed, not a “person with a dominant right hand”.
It is just my opinion that “person with autism” does not ‘feel right’. But then again, I am not a native speaker, I learned english during an 8 year stay in Scotland. However in my optinion my skill concerning english is just as good (in some areas even better) than my native language.
I would appreciate it, if someone could explain to me why “person with autism” is apparently less offensive to them than “autistic person”.
It’s the difference between being a laden person and a person with luggage, a trained person or a person with training, a circumspect person or a person with circumspection, its all bollox.
TheUnreal… I think you’ll be hard pressed to find proponents of the so-called “Politically Correct” wording around here.
I think that when people say “person with autism”, they see autism as something to wish to be rid of. They think to say, my autistic son, is like saying, my cancerous son.
It’s less offensive to non-autistic people because they’re thinking of the autistic person as being a person first and autistic second. So a ‘person with autism’ is a person and then is autistic. Basically, it feeds into the idea that autism is acquired, that it can be cured, that it is not a part of who a person is.
All of which makes non-autistic people feel good about what they do to ‘help’ the people with autism.
And makes many autistic people feel ignored and slighted.
Ah but you see an autistic person is not possesed of personhood cos personhood is not that which is possesed but that which is granted in a power relationship.
Who are the powerful, well I dunno end of the day, I think there is something to be understood by reference to Bordieu and the notion of fields, in that essentially we are talking about a multi valent phenomenon, that one is granted status and denied status depending upon context.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Field_(Bourdieu)
A farmer is a man out standing in his field, but if you had told the late Tony Blair that he would not agree, and make sure that our townie Tone were the last man standing.
I’m with Vicky,here. I think that formal manners are important, because *nobody’s* brain works exactly the same way as anyone else’s. I think Hal Clement wrote a story on the subject, back in 1943 or thenabouts.
It’s about what I call the Ahenobarbic Fallacy. (Ahenobarbus was Emporer Nero’s last name)
Somewhere in “The Twelve Caesars”, by Suetonius, there’s an account of Nero, as the court of last appeal, always letting people off from nasty charges if they said they did the nasty thing from a depraved reason. Nero, being depraved and NT, figured that everyone else was just like him, that is,depraved, and that anyone who pretended to be honest and decent was lying.
He didn’t understand that honest people who were unlike him could actually exist.
I think this is the hardest thing for anybody to learn, that there are people very unlike one’s self in their ways of thinking.
With regards to manners, sure, they are important.
But if a black person reacts quite strongly to my use of “negro”, it’s probably best for me to listen – even if he was rude.
When we bring this home to the autistic world, I think even more important than good manners is the understanding that manners are but one of the many things autistics don’t always “get”, and to dismiss our views on that basis is showing a lack of accommodation. Yes, there’s a huge difference between willful and not, but at the same time, sometimes my only choice is to say something rude or to leave it unsaid.
Many would have me leave the thing unsaid – even when it involves life and death needs – if I can’t find an appropriately polite way of saying it. That’s not good either.
“With regards to manners, sure, they are important.
(But if a black person reacts quite strongly to my use of “negro”, it’s probably best for me to listen – even if he was rude.” wrote Joel…)
You haven’t spent much time around Black People have you Joel?
Seriously I don’t think you can use your negro analogy in this type of way..
The point is Joel ..
If people want to make a statement about something that is bothering them it probably is best not to go chaseing people around blogs to make their points.. or posting stuff that looks like its not specific to a paticular situation when it is about some personalitys posting stuff others don’t like or what ever..
I can be rude as hell yeah.. and I get to have the consequesnces of that… Sometimes it is unintentional as I lose focus on what is polite or I just don’t know,,, or sometimes I just don’t care and get raw… It’s not always due to a disability but I would hope that people would give me the benefit of the doubt when I am rude unconsiously..
So my Point is if there is some standard or something that seems like it is harmful..
Yeah write about it but instead of turning it into a personal rant against someone else give them the courtsey of not putting them on the spot for ill precived words..
Anotherwords do unto others as you would have them do to you or however that goes…
It just seems like there has to be ways of engaging people without starting WW3 ..
Vicky, believe it or not this involves more than one specific person, and I’m more worried about people doing this general thing rather than any specific person doing it, so I don’t want to make it a war and draw lines, although, yes, I’m annoyed at several people right now, and I certainly can think of people to whom my post applies to (note: people is plural).
I often write about things I observe a few specific people doing. The things I write about often annoy me. I plan on continuing to do that, although I hope I do it in the most respectful way that still allows me to say something about the prejudice I see. Even if that means someone will think I’m targetting someone occasionally.
Your general politeness comments assume that people have the ability to be polite. If they don’t have that ability, then their choice is to shut up or to be rude. Because of the prejudice and problems being heard that autistic people have, and the problems we have figuring out what – to us – are hard to understand rules of social contact, I’d rather have my people speak even when it occasionally offends. The other choice is much worse than hurting feelings, upsetting someone, or blog politics.
Once again, this wasn’t designed as a personal rant, which is why I didn’t provide names. And I don’t have nuclear weapons. As for engaging people, I try my best to engage in ways that are respectful – and I sometimes fail. I’m open to specific suggestions as to what I could do differently (“shut up” is not an option though, I feel what I have to say is worth saying).
Joel,
Of course Shut up is not a option. Personally I would never say that to you or most people except maybe my husband sometimes .
I guess what I was thinking in what I am trying to say to you and others. Is that yeah autistic outrage needs to be written about.. But it needs to be formulated in such a way so people will listen..
I appreciate that you are having reactions to things or stuff said recently or maybe not even recently as these things you bring up seem to be constant threads in which autistic people have been misunderstood or trampled upon..
I guess what I struggle with is something like for me to understand what the problem is I need a name ( not a persons name) but a name that aptly describes the kind of discrimination that happens..
I am not sure that is possible for people to do but It just would make things clearer for me.. I am trying to think of an example.
Autistic exploitation ,,, ?
Hi,
This post puts into words what I would really like to be able to do as an ally. I hope for people around me to feel safe enough to call me on (to me) invisible manifestations of my unearned privilege and power, and that I’ll respond in such a way that they’ll think that there is hope for humanity after all.
[...] start touchy conversations! NTs are Weird has a wonderful post about the so-called Little Things, that gets particularly touchy in the comments section. Who says autistics can’t function [...]
Joel, you always seem formally polite in your blog posts at least, and a Christian gentleman.
Someone said, once, “A gentleman is only rude *on purpose*.”