Pulling the Cat’s Tail
August 27th, 2006When I was a young kid, my family had a cat. Now this cat was incredibly tolerant of annoying humans, especially the young ones. He seemed to know that he was to tolerate more from a young child than from an adult.
However, even he had his limits. If I pulled his tail long enough, the cat would lash out, and I would usually end up with a sore (and very likely bloody) body part. Of course the cat tried to warn me, but I ignored his body posture, his growls and hisses, and his attempt to get away. So the cat ended up with very few choices. He couldn’t write about it or tell me using English that he was near his breaking point.
Was the cat a dangerous animal that should have been removed or destroyed? Absolutely not. I was a dumb kid who didn’t listen to either my parents wisdom nor my cat’s attempts to tell me to knock it off. It wasn’t the cat’s fault, it was my fault that I got bit or scratched. In fact, if my parents observed the event, it was me that would get punished, not the cat.
Now please don’t think I’m saying autistic people are like any non-human animal – I very much oppose that way of thinking. But often times when an autistic strikes out violently, it can be for very similar reasons.
Often it is a series of “low level” events that finally push the autistic person over the edge, and cause him to violently strike out. Unfortunately only the last “tail pull” is looked at, and in the context of a light tail pull, the biting and scratching seems very much to be an excessive reaction – but not if you look at the whole chain of events. It’s not about the tail pull, it’s about the 15 tail pulls, the growls and snarls being ignored, the attempt at escape being ignored, and the body language being ignored. Eventually the snap happens. Unfortunately, often the snap is a reaction to all those events, even if the “triggering” event was relatively minor, maybe even committed by someone who didn’t commit the other low-level actions.
But, with the autistic, it’s the autistic that is wrong. And their actions – when they were not in control of themselves – are what is seen as wrong. Often, the low level events are completely ignored – the autistic learns that they were wrong to respond in the way they did. Not that they were wrong to not respond early to the first low level events, when they had some hope of modulation, but rather that they were wrong to respond to a “tail pull” by scratching and biting. Of course often this is an impossible task for the autistic to do – they are out of control by that point, and by definition that means they can’t control their actions, no matter what the consequences are.
Instead the focus should be first and foremost on those around the autistic – did they “pull his tail?” Did they ignore the body language and attempts at communication? Maybe there is a need to put an interpreter near the autistic, so that the interpreter can notice the autistic’s ears turning red, the autistic trying to pull back, and the other ways the autistic is trying to communicate – to say, “Hey, knock it off, he will snap and it won’t be his fault when he does if you keep this up.”
Certainly the other aspect is to teach the autistic how to communicate the problem early when it is a minor issue – the first time the tail is pulled, not the 20th. But even if that doesn’t work, it doesn’t mean that a person should be locked up or segregated from society. It’s possible to balance the safety of others with the need for full participation in society for the autistic. It might take interpreters, modifications to the environment, education (and sometimes discipline) for others in the autistic’s life, etc.
The very first question after a violent episode should be, “Why was this person’s communication prior to violence ineffective at getting his message across, and what can we do to make sure that his prior communication does get the message across next time?” It might involve teaching communication skills. But, equally, it might involve teaching listening skills to others. It certainly doesn’t involve a zero tolerance policy.
The antecedent-behavior-consequences forms they send home are always about the autistic child.
To be fair, for every antecedent-behavior-consequences form sent home for a child, there should be another one sent home for the teacher.
That way the message being transmitted is that the autistic child is not the only one who needs to learn a thing or two from every difficult situation that ends up in somebody getting hurt.
Considering how many ugly stereotypes are floating around, it should be emphasized that violent behavior is not in itself a characteristic of autism, not one of the diagnostic criteria. There is as much variability in temperament among autistics as there is in any other population. Anyone can “snap” when repeatedly bullied or otherwise mistreated, whether they are autistic or not.
I agree that if a person who has difficulty communicating (either because of autism or some other reason) begins to have violent episodes for unknown reasons, there should be an investigation into whether he or she is being bullied or otherwise treated inappropriately.
It really is more than just bullying or mistreatment though and that I think is the point that is often missed in regards to overloads. It was very helpful when a psychiatrist helped me to understand that what I was experiencing were sensory overloads. And also HOW to recognize that I was started to feel stressed so I could do something about it before it got to that point where you have a reaction. I think that is the key that is often overlooked is that people with sensory issues may not even be aware themselves of the subtle triggers and can be educated about what to do to reduce that. It gives independence to the person to know that they should leave a room if they start getting fidgetty or to take short proactive time outs to regroup and that isn’t being rude but proactive. Too often however, NT society considered that teaching a person to be avoidant. And as this article indicates -this does not have to do with temperment or violence or mistreatment. That is still trying to compare sensory issues to the NT experience.
During my stint in military life which was a constant social failure for me despite efforts which were mostly being overfriendly desperate for attention…which then worked against me, I had the chance to be in charge of a platoon. My manner worked against me. One person took liberty to humiliate me by spitting popcorn in my face which they had been eating earlier. For some reason, they knew they could get away with that and the cadre there, the drill sergeants would look the other way…despite the “drills” constant reminders of chain of command “always”. I was teased and this public humiliation, while just popcorn caused me to overload by screaming at the top of my lungs so that this inner courtyard of an 8 story building/training center in Fort Sam Houston had peole from the top floor looking down. I was told (and knew) I was going overboard but at the time, I was not able to think or judge perception or reaction because my inner turmoils had piled up so high it was just then that it pushed me over my limit. I look back and realize, it’s just like the cat you are describing. I also don’t think the popcorn spitter expected much more than some laughs and my ignoring it like usual. I yelled at this person at the top of my lungs instead and people gave me bizarre…and scared looks. They didn’t know I’d do that. It happened on other occasions and I hated it because I finally had a big mark on my social record now. It meant my social life was close to over there. I had to move one yet again. Luckily, this was a short “training period”. Lately, I’ve been boiling but not overflowing with my work situations. People now just politely shoo me out of my job. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’ve been considering btw, some ideas but it may be that I can’t bring the whole family with me to somewhere new because of having an infant etc. There is a possibility that my spouse and her father are scheming on ditching me and taking the baby with her in which case, I’d be stuck bankrupting/separated but not having to deal with child support or her having to deal with insurance loss etc that would result from a divorce which neither of us even think about because we do care about each other but right now, it seems that family is interfering with my ability to be a provider. I’ve considered homesteading/van living. I’ve just traded in a pickup (that you may remember) for a van (which I can at least sleep in) and house battery and laptop with wifi. All this so I can survive on a Wally World/Megalomart income….should I have to Chapter (pick a number) myself out. (I’d hate to but I may need to..tho I never thought I’d have to). My spouse is no longer able to manage my finances well either so I feel like she’s about to leave. Anyhow, life is changing and I can’t fight it. Maybe I can find a local job tomorrow. I just have to post to dice and I’ll get a thousand of “contract offers” tomorrow but ones that I’d not do well surviving having to “commute”. I may 9-5 M-F out of my van and a YMCA pass downtown somewhere. I might sleep afternoons and drive awake to 24hr zones in the graveyards.
This entry was good for me to read now that my boy has begun biting when his “tail is pulled”.
It isn’t always easy for grown-up NTs to know we’ve done it, much less his peers in Early Childhood.
Something to think about with school just a week away, and a shift to afternoon classes that will certainly take some adjustment.
“Certainly the other aspect is to teach the autistic how to communicate the problem early when it is a minor issue – the first time the tail is pulled, not the 20th.”
That’s a big problem for me. I was bullied from 10-12 years old and told to show no reaction and they would stop. It never worked, but I kept trying it.
Now when my younger brother is pestering me, I automatically start out showing no reaction, until I can’t take it anymore and yell at him. I’m working on expressing myself earlier, but still end up to the point where I have trouble formulating a response more specific that “stop it” or “leave me be”.
Ettina, you bring a good point. Teachers tell students to ignore bullying, only to have a student keep their anger and fear inside, until they explode. That isn’t functional for anyone. God forbid they should deal with the bullies, but it’s excuses time after time.
There shouldn’t be excuses, they should tell those little sadists that they cannot bully. That they won’t be getting sympathy for being abused, or that they’re on drugs, or any other sob story..until they learn to act humane. I loved when my SPED counselor would tell me the sob story, of someone who bullied me. Like they were abused. Why would I care, and do they expect me not to say something smart alecked such as “I guess they weren’t abused enough, to learn how to behave”.
This tends to cause those who were bullied to have no sympathy towards those who were abused, or on drugs. Since they were constantly told that their problems came second, to those type of people. That they had to be the martyrs of those type of people, since they’ve suffered. So they should continue that suffering unto others? How does that make sense?
How does it make sense that Eric Klebold and Dylan Harris, who were subjected to daily, unregarded abuse at the hands of their students. Are seen as the bullies, rather than the victims. I mean, aside from that they killed students, that was terrible. The school clearly should’ve seen they’ve had their tails pulled too much, only after they go on a genocidal rampage against all jocks they see it?
I relate much to this. All my life I have been considered hyper-sensitive, over-reactive. While there have certainly been times when I was these things, the main reason that at age 6 I would spend an hour or so almost every day devoted to crying or screaming or otherwise causing havoc was because I *knew* that the pattern of harassment wasn’t going to change. From a very young age I had this sense that I was going to rise up someday and rebel against the unfair treatment. But I didn’t know anything about being autistic, and certainly when I was diagnosed didn’t suspect the reason for why school staff and peers would make me cry would have anything to do with my Asperger diagnosis.
Often we are the ones who get punished, often just for speaking out against something. We are told to sit down and do our work, be good kids. But I push to make my grievances known. Not that it got me anywhere at the time, though it’s making it easier as time advances and my grievances are becoming more serious and more complex as my understanding of the society proportionally increases its depth.
Unfortunately, the so-called zero-tolerance policies prevent students from defending themselves. God forbid I should throw a punch at a mob of four boys committing assault against me, for then it’s a “fight” and I’m culpable, and will be made to spend detention in the same room with those who attacked me.
I didn’t want that. So I made a third way and ditched (it may be the thing that kept me alive so I can write this today).
Something that has been said often about school and other “spree” shooters is that most of their victims are random. I think this is part of the effect of steady bullying. Something I am struck by in hindsight is that the worst bullying I experienced was from people I did not know. I am pretty sure this was far more demoralizing to me than being insulted by an “enemy” I saw in class and knew by name. What I became convinced of was that anyone who knew me at all would “bully on sight”. My solution was to withdraw to a playground that was supposed to be for lower grades, and avoid playing with or talking to anyone even there. One lingering impact this had on me was that I was inclined to view anything someone did that irritated me- eg. tapping a pencil- as intentional bullying. If I told someone to stop and he didn’t, I would be sure of it. As late as 12th grade, I was yelling, making threats and even attacking people simply for making noise that I interpreted as attacks on me personally.
I won’t appoligise for my lack of English/ Grammar Bad schooling in a Flawed system where bastard children were Rewarded the primary school i went to the Headmaster was sacked and was taken to Court over his treatment of students abusing them
he locked me in a room with big containers of Hydrochloric acid well he is not a Headmaster now Anyways
From Kindergarten through to High School, I had anger issue’s that my family associated with my Mothers death, So I see this Cat Tail Pulling is closer to how I was however,
I mostly focused on using my Anger and constantly it never subsided, I could never tolerate a Teachers double standards or injustice and I would inflict harm on these Teachers and I could sense their fears of Violence I made threats struck a few male teachers and knew how to inflict mental damaging behaviour that would cause most female teachers to break down, And after changing schools a few times I would hunt out the bully’s and in no place would i accept my friends or my self being bullied and in every instance with bully’s me using Violence against them worked so the “lets just talk it out” that may in some case work but deep down everyone is thinking that bully kid needs to be flogged by a peer it grounds them it maybe dangerous but so is Driving living breathing its all dangerous you could be walking on a foot path and easily break your ankle, However I was a considerable size over those in every year at school and I’m still not a small piece of matter so I resorted to evening the fields with my violence a directed Rage of Hatred and Adrenaline all those bottled up things I would release on this bully I would bait them to anger me get close sit near them wait for them to pick on me play possum then I would strike when they expected it cause when you expect it you think you can take it helps break the mental barrier all the bullys I beat now have good jobs and act normal towards people and stopped bullying at school, I remember one kid who was a Head Teachers son in High school The Head Teacher said to me you did what he needed will think twice about his action but it was a very dangerous the way you hit him, and it was on school grounds so I got detention and It was lunch with the head and was pretty cool we talked I asked in him detention a few days later where his son had been I had given this guy a severe concussion it freaked me out, The reason for it he was picking on a group of kids throwing fruit at the Special kids who never reacted badly or got in anyone’s face this angered me I started bottling playing scenarios in my head as I always did thinking if this goes like this il’strike here etc forming a battle plan, so I sat thinking a teacher would react how ever they were all watching football then the fruit started landing near me and a group of my friends and it hit my best friend in the side of the head leaving a WELT so I grabbed the fruit walked over said is this yours the idiot grabs it out of my hand laughing I snapped punching him in the face dropping him to the ground his little gathering of friends freaked out and started on me so I shaped up for all of them one of them picked up their friend and ran off it was a good day,
I’ve talked to this guy since he is doing very well and is a nice guy to everyone,
The reason I reacted that way i was shown how to fight at a very young age growing up with 2 of my uncles so they were like big brothers with 15+ years on my age and they held no punch’s or words but one of them was unstable and constantly pushed and pushed thinking the Iron Fist is the rule and you don’t this do it this way hang it up like this he does not have OCD just a total control freak and if he could not see another way of completing or construction something it was his way or get beaten with words then fists then him pacing around, Then one day I snapped and he now has slight amount of brain damage due to a considerable attack on my part I was 14 he was training to fight everyday he got me training with him, They hid knives around the house metal bars/Pipes I slept with a baseball bat and a knife he had a 9mm colt this is in Australia so I don’t know if this is normal everywhere else but its not normal for people here, Well he pushed me one day I struck him down with what I had and left, I don’t feel at all sorry for him he is a Bully and bullied everyone in the family except my father who wanted nothing to do with me or my sibling family disowned me after this my father attempted to take me to court, Even tho my father king hit me after I struck my uncle I returned the favour by destroying his Car, He was ranting about how I hurt is brother, My uncles illegal activities prevented the any action from the solicitors they tried to get me on medication after this and with a court order telling me that I was too take said medication due to my anger, The medication idea was from my grandmother who I lived with for a while she was a nurse 40 years before that and tried all that BS medication ADD etc, I went along with it believing this could be a problem but it really messed me up the medication left me not think straight i did not want to search and destroy those who annoyed me but I stopped taking it when I moved back in with my uncles for the second time due to issues I was about 16 at this time and 2 years was enough for him to settle tho I was there paying rent this time and he had no control tho threatened me he beat me a few times once when I got up in the morning by surprise and another time I was getting exercise all This was all to do with him getting upset about me striking his head claiming he was going to die of a brain haemorrhage threatened to beat be with a brick I wanted him to doit for some reason he did not I stood there waiting hoping, Everyday now I hope to die I don’t know why thinking on it that medication may have screwed me up in someway I have not gotten violent since and don’t care what people think I don’t try to improve my self and people constantly attack me for what I say day by day the anger has been coming back this year so I don’t know is the part of my brain that stupid drug damaged is recovering its been over 11 years since I had it but from what heard a brain can take a long time to heal or never heal at all,
But back to Bully’s simple just have them beat by what they think they can bully and that takes that attitude of theirs down with an experience related to a memory, The drugs don’t really work experience and knowledge from an action will
and its highly possible that I suffer from some form of Autism.
WTF why did I tell people this
[...] low expectations of help in dealing with a serious situation. Most of that is down to the PTSD and tail pulling, part really is down to just not having a lot of brakes to begin with. It’s uncomfortable, [...]
[...] at tail-pulling had not led to the meltdowns. But, as Joel observes (from bitter experience) in his Pulling the Cat’s Tail post: Often it is a series of “low level” events that finally push the autistic person over the [...]